Workplace Grief

CHAPTER SIX

By the six-month interview, Barbara was aware and disturbed with the anger she was experiencing. She had expressed feeling irritable at three months but not necessarily at her co-workers. At that time the anger expressed itself more as impatience with customers. Now she was feeling anger toward her co-workers for their lack of support. Clearly, she felt she contributed to this by always acting strong and in control. This behavior seemed like living a lie to her, and acting normal seemed like a facade creating extra pressure for her in the workplace. Barbara was feeling depressed and expressed regret that she had not killed herself immediately after hearing of her son's death, rather than experiencing such pain.

While work was initially important to Barbara after her son's death, she was clear that she was not capable of returning full-time. Work at first symbolized a routine and a return to normalcy, but as her depression increased and acting normal at work became more and more difficult, her job became problematic.

While patient with her co-workers and their difficulties in expressing their concern for her, Barbara grew impatient with their reactions by the third interview. At that time she wished they would sometimes give her just a few words of support.

The two co-workers interviewed expressed that Barbara was acting normal and not upset. Joe, the postmaster, said it would be difficult for him if she were upset, because he was not good at dealing with emotions. Mike expressed the importance of leaving her alone to allow her to heal as this was the way he would want to be treated. Both men were not uncaring in their attitudes but instead uncomfortable with the situation. Joe, not wanting to hurt Barbara, thought his mentioning the death would cause her to be more sad. Mike felt leaving her alone would aide her in continuing forward with her life.

Barbara, sensing the awkwardness of others around her, at first expressed difficulty in returning to work. She was relieved by the three-month interview that things had become more normal. However, by the third interview at six months, Barbara felt more frustrated. As mentioned previously, when her depression and anger began to surface, she experienced greater difficulty in acting normal at work. Believing that by acting this way she brought most of this on herself, she still wished others could show their feelings and support her more.

By the last interview, Barbara was finding it more and more difficult to continue to work. Her boss' accident and subsequent discontinuation of the mail route contract meant loss of a job for Barbara. Although she knew she should be concerned because of the resulting financial difficulties, she actually felt relieved that she would no longer have to work.

One of her difficulties was that her work had never been a profession for her. It was a job as opposed to a career, providing support for herself and her son. Her main financial goal was earning enough money to send her son to college. With his death her work became unfulfilling. In fact, Barbara began to resent work because it kept her from educating herself and coping with her grief.

On the other hand, Barbara several times expressed how valuable the support was that she received outside of work. In particular, her close friend gave her an opportunity to open up, express her tears and anger, and release her emotions. Also, her boyfriend continued to live with her so that she would not have to spend nights alone.

In her struggle to move forward with her life, she planned to begin training for a new career at the junior college starting in the fall. Her hope was that this would help to put meaning in her life.

Barbara's situation illustrates the exhausting struggle necessary in the reorganization of a parent's life after the death of a child. This adjustment is necessary in order to reach acceptance of the death. The symbolic death of a parent that accompanies the death of a child, as pointed out by Knapp (1985) in his study of bereaved parents, was epitomized in Barbara. Her future goals, focused on her son, died with him. She survived with little or no desire to live today or plan for tomorrow. From this emotionally damaged state, Barbara fought to reorganize her life, to adjust her goals and find meaning without him. She was innately aware that this was her only chance for survival.