Workplace Grief

CHAPTER EIGHT

Summary

The trauma experienced by Mark was at first experienced as confusion and numbness. Expecting a normal baby, he was not prepared for the medical complications and ensuing death five days later. Holding out hope, Mark did not fully comprehend the seriousness of his baby's disorder.

Interestingly, his first reaction after hearing about the complications was to go to the head of personnel where he worked. Mark did not have friends outside of work to talk to. Even though emotionally guarded, Mark could not contain his emotion and cried when talking to her.

As a private person, having others observe his grief was not comfortable. Mark's approach to grief was to act as if everything were normal. For him, there was a fine line between showing emotion and wallowing in self-pity. For this reason, his wife's emotional reaction to the death was difficult for Mark to accept.

Not wishing to make his grief public, Mark specifically requested that the Director of Personnel make the baby's death public before his return. This would give co-workers a chance to react, sparing Mark the task of having to tell them.

Mark had a strong desire to return to work as soon as possible as a way to get his mind off the death and also to feel productive. At the one month interview, he reported thinking about his baby often when alone. He noticed less and less of this behavior with each subsequent interview. Although he stated he did not want preferential treatment upon his return to work, he clearly appreciated the deference shown him by certain co-workers. In the interviews he pointed out the number of co-workers that supported him and made special mention of the supportive message on the card sent by the librarian.

Mark often mentioned that because he was an introvert and a private person, the support he received was adequate. However, at the same time it appeared that he made excuses for the lack of response, saying that the individuals had probably never had any tragedies and they were all young bachelors.

Initially, his parents were able to support him in a practical sense by running the house and caring for his daughter. His wife has been the only person for him to talk to. While in the beginning Mark found this helpful, he later became frustrated by what he perceived as her lack of moving forward with her life. Mark felt his wife was very negative and took this negativity out on him.

At one time, Mark expressed an interest in speaking with a professional. Rather than seek help on the outside, though, he escaped from his grief through his job, his daughter, and the piano. Each was a great source of pleasure to him. Imagining his baby as an angel, he also coped with his grief through his spiritual beliefs.

Mark was a very sensitive person. He reported that he slept lightly after his daughter's birth because he felt so attuned to everything going on in her room. Also he recognized his wife's need to be consoled and her friends' seeming rejection of her after the death. He expressed frustration at trying to help her without success.

The three co-workers interviewed were all empathetic with Mark's loss. The Director of Personnel, Pam, was the most support to Mark, not only because she was closer to him, but also because she was more experienced in helping people in need.

Paul and Theresa each expressed an awkwardness in reacting to Mark and observed other co-workers feeling similarly. They were torn between respecting Mark as a private person and being supportive. Rather than ignore Mark, they wanted to have someone consult with their department on this matter.

All three co-workers commented on the difficulty of supporting Mark because of his introverted nature. Mark did not see this as a factor, and instead surmised that the lack of support was a cultural phenomenon.

For Mark the advantages of working while grieving far exceeded the disadvantages. As his home life progressively became more tense, work afforded a retreat. Contrary to Pam's observation, Mark enjoyed his work. He was able to work independently on his project with little pressure, which was a distinct advantage at this time.

The death of his baby had exacerbated the differences and problems in communication between Mark and his wife. Both were frustrated by not being able to meaningfully communicate and both were incapable of meeting the other's needs. Confirming Rosen's study of bereaved families (1986), at this time when communication was so important, it was instead severely limited. Pain had increased for the two parents. Incapable of supporting and moving toward each other, they had moved away. The family as a unit was severely threatened.