Workplace Grief

CHAPTER NINE

Three Month Interview

Natalie had no changes in health and reported eating and sleeping well. She had cut her work week to four days, taking every Friday off.

I'm, I guess I'm feeling kind of surprised that the greatest fear of my life was to lose a child and I've gone--it's happened, and it's been several months now and I'm living through it, I guess. I guess I'm doing pretty well. My situation at work is such that I keep busy four days a week and then I have a long weekend. That helps me too. I'm feeling very, I think at this point it's, it's, the loss of my daughter's presence is even, is greater to me now. I feel it a lot more. I mean just every little day things like going to the Farmer's Market this morning, was things that we would be doing together, and you know, especially this is the week of vacation and we would have been together all day every day, except for when she would be with her friends or something like that. I'm feeling really empty. I'm doing things that I wouldn't have done if she'd been here and I have all this time for myself and I can do all these things that I would not be doing otherwise. Not that I want, not that I want it this way.

In the past months, her thirteen year old son had been complaining of stomach aches and had regressed to playing children's games that he once played with his sister. Natalie took him to a doctor who felt, as she did, that the stomach aches were related to his grief. She talked to her son about this and the symptoms seemed to go away.

Natalie's husband was also having a difficult time. He complained to her that he had lost his motivation since his daughter's death. He was depressed, unable to concentrate, overextended at work and exhausted.

Like this weekend, he's supposed to relax.He's got so many things that, so many pressures on different areas. And I also have sort of been pressuring him. I would like him to agree to have another child and he doesn't, doesn't really seem like he wants to now. Maybe down the line or something. I don't think he's in a very good place. When he's upset, he cries like, just this morning. But he has gotten really frazzled with his jobs before, but it's compounded because I think he's got this depression.

Since her daughter's death, Natalie has wanted to have another child. Her husband would require a reverse vasectomy. Natalie was concerned that she and her husband were now going off in different directions.

Natalie's husband was not receiving the support at work that she was receiving. In his work place she commented that it was now, "business as usual."

Well, you know, people at work don't, and he has said this too, it's not the same with a man who's grieving or going through, you know. They kind of expect that he should be over it or else they just don't think about it any more. Because people, where I am, they still kind of protect me and I know they're really careful, very considerate of me. And they are still aware that I have a lot I'm going through. I don't think that that's the case with him.

Since his daughter's death, Natalie's husband had cut back on his work hours at his regular architectural job to three days per week. He used the free time to be by himself and to work on his private architectural projects. However, because he was always involved in deadlines, he would not always get this time.

That was the agreement with his bosses, but when they need something, they sort of forget that that was even talked about, and they call him and they want things done. It's just when they want things done, they want it done then.

Natalie was frustrated that she was unable to help her husband. She described him as a closed person who has a tendency to keep things inside.

He's not getting any enjoyment out of this job. I think it's too bad he couldn't have. I think he's expecting too much of himself. He's expecting the same as if she were still here. Do you know what I mean? I don't, I mean, it's like he's trying to submerge himself in all this work and yet he can't really. He's not coping with it well. He's not coping with the demands.

Natalie planned to take off Fridays until the end of the school year. She had been doing this since approximately a month after her daughter's death. She felt the need to have more time to herself and the arrangement was working well for her.

I found that working five days a week was just too long for me. It just was tiring. It's still, it's not as tiring as it was, but I think I would be getting more, I'd be getting more depressed if I was having to work all the time; having so little time for myself and my family, for things that I need to do.

Work had continued to be positive for Natalie. Now she felt more confident in her teaching and being around the children.

Well, I think for a while I wasn't feeling very confident with taking a class in subbing or taking over class control. I just didn't feel up to the hassles and things, but now it's okay.

Work, she reported, was not pressuring to her. Teaching keeps Natalie in contact with children, ". . . which I need. I need to have that kind of connection." Needing to be involved with children was one of her reasons for wanting another child. "And that's why I feel if I could have another child, I'd be involved again with a little child and it would help so much."

Natalie talked about a ceremony given at her daughter's school in her memory. A stained glass window was bought for the school and dedicated to her. The children sang her daughter's favorite songs and Natalie described feeling sad but very touched.

Natalie was concerned about the upcoming summer vacation when she would normally spend every day with her daughter. However, she said she intended to take it day by day. She was hoping that her husband could get time away and they and the boys would take a vacation together.

Natalie ended the interview by saying:

I think it's been a great job to me to not keep things in, to share, to try to share with as many people that want to share it with me to the extent that they can share it. I feel like I need to still have connections with my daughter and I'd like her memory to live on as long as it can. I plan to go back to the school and work in the library [at her daughter's school] and do some things to keep connected there. This afternoon, in fact, as soon as I leave here I'm going to go and pick up a little boy [one of her daughter's friends] and spend some time.